


Rabbit

by deepdives



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:28:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21769141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepdives/pseuds/deepdives
Summary: Hermione hates the holidays.
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 78





	Rabbit

“Oh, Hermione.” Luna looked wide-eyed into her friend’s face as if seeing her for the first time. “You are absolutely swarmed with Wrackspurts.”

“Luna! Not you too.” Hermione groaned,cursing Ginny internally. She should have skipped out before everyone had really dug into the Odgen’s. 

Hermione quickly looked around the room to see if anyone had heard. Malfoy was nowhere to be seen. Maybe if she was lucky, he had headed off. 

The man was an absolute menace. Walking around the Ministry like he owned the place—and with all of his post-War donations, he virtually did. 

For some reason, the last living Malfoy had managed to twist every major official around his finger, and it made her job as Junior Assistant to the Minister of Magic that much more difficult. Adding insult to injury, the man had also ingratiated himself with Harry and, by extension, Ginny, which expanded the scope of his reach to Hermione’s weekends as well. Like this holiday party that Ginny was throwing for their Hogwarts friends. 

This was the perfect opportunity for the little snake to build up some ammunition against her. Hermione took a long sip of her third glass of wine. 

Luna hummed as she observed her uptight, frizzy-haired friend.

“Large, social events would be an excellent time to find a partner to assist in Wrackspurt removal.” Luna smiled into her drink. “Lee Jordan is quite accomplished, you know. Even if he is a bit talkative afterwards. He’s always been keen on you too. Too bad he isn’t here tonight.”

Why was everyone trying to hook her up? Hermione didn’t believe in Wrackspurts or Nargles or any of the supposed creatures Luna chased around the world, but she did understand subtext. 

“I don’t want to hear another word about you and Lee, Luna. And I do not have a Wrackspurt problem,” She hissed in mortification and took a large gulp of her wine to find that it was empty. “And I am absolutely not in need of assistance in that department. I can handle myself.”

“Oh, I see.” Luna sighed dreamily. “While less effective than employing a capable partner, self-gratification does have its own undeniable charm.”

“That’s not what I am saying, Luna!” Hermione levitated the nearest bottle over to herself and refilled her glass. Maybe she could drown herself in it. 

The whole evening had been a shambles from the moment she’d arrived. Ginny had immediately begun interrogating Hermione about her failed fling with Oliver Wood. And there hadn’t really been much to tell. 

She took another long sip as she remembered that she now had a giant target on her back. Ginny was the best of friends, but also an aggressive matchmaker. 

At the very least she could distract herself from Luna waxing poetic about her self-love regimen. Where was Ginny? She was going to hex them both.

She glanced nervously over at the rest of the group, still engrossed in their own, probably more appropriate, conversations. Ron met her eyes and winked before laughing at something that George said. His eyes had regained their twinkle in the months following his break-up with Romilda Vane. It turns out accidentally drugging him with love potion instead of Harry in Year 4 wasn’t a sign from the universe for them to be together.

She was still staring at him when he looked over again and tilted his head in askance. Instead of her usual blush at getting caught, she felt herself wink back. His grin broke into a full smile, he shook his head jokingly before turning away. 

Merlin, how much wine had she consumed?

Hermione stared owlishly at her glass, and tried to remember. Maybe four? More than three, probably. She looked at the bottle to find it still about half full, and then around the room. Everyone except for Ginny had been drinking pretty steadily through the night. How was the bottle still half full?

She looked up to find Malfoy staring at her again. He, of course, was still here, and, apparently, a bit sloshed. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and he looked almost, amused? Was that look directed at her? He smirked and she felt the warmth from the fire and the wine spark in her cheeks. 

He raised his glass to his lips, and she was momentarily struck by his lips as they caressed the rim of the glass. She swallowed heavily. His eyes darkened, and she forced her eyes away. It was getting late.

“I find that Muggles have made far more advancements in that area. Perhaps you could provide me with some advice.” Hermione blinked in confusion. Her eyes flicked back to Malfoy, only to find his head turned as he mumbled something to Harry. She nodded absently at Luna, lifting the wine to her lips automatically, already having forgotten her previous anxiety. 

“Sure, Luna.”

“During my last visit to Muggle London, I came across something called a rabbit.” 

“That seems rather mundane for you,” Hermione commented. 

“I found it in a sex shop.”

Hermione choked on her wine. She was still coughing as Luna continued. 

“But the one I purchased is quite different from the demonstration model. It doesn’t seem to vibrate the same way…” 

“Why would you vibrate a rabbit?” Ginny leaned into Hermione and Luna’s conversation with a conspiratorial grin. She had lost her Weasley sweater ages ago and her cheek were aglow with whisky-induced warmth. 

Hermione immediately began waving a hand frantically at Ginny while still spluttering.

“It’s not actually a rabbit,” Luna explained. “It’s a self-pleasuring device. I purchased it at a Muggle sex shop. The shop keeper said it was ‘magical.’”

“Even better! Why’s it called a rabbit?”

“Ginny!” Hermione admonished. Luna nodded as she considered the question seriously. 

“I also wondered. It does have an appendage that looks a bit like rabbit ears, but it’s designed to stimulate the clitoris-“

“Batteries!” Hermione interrupted shrilly. Abruptly, Hermione felt every eye in the vicinity turn towards their little trio. 

Wincing, she lowered her voice to plead with her friend. “Perhaps, you forgot to add the batteries, Luna. They wouldn’t be included in the box. I might be able to summon some from my bag for you later. Then it should work like the one from the shop.”

Luna’s smile brightened. 

“Never mind that, Luna! How does it work?” Ginny urged. “Do you have it with you?”

“Really! Ginny,” Hermione began. “This is hardly the place or time.”

“We are all adults here, and  some of us could do with some Wrackspurt removal.” Ginny had the nerve to wink at her. 

“Hermione doesn’t want to talk about this right now.” Luna interjected, and Hermione smiled at her friend’s perception, nodding. 

“She never wants to talk about anything good. My party, my rules. Go on then!” Ginny demanded. 

Hermione huffed and sank down in her seat, while Luna continued.

“Well it’s fascinating because it’s a phallus that appears to be made of a type of firm jelly—they call it silicone. Not like an ice cream cone though. You can’t eat it—though in the demonstration video I saw Muggles putting in their mouths…”

“Luna, please-“ Hermione whined. 

“Go on!” George shouted gleefully across the table. Though Ron looked puzzled, he was catching on quickly. Malfoy looked carefully neutral—too many Muggle words probably.

Hermione shot a desperate look at her last, potential ally, but the bespectacled Idiot-Who-Lived was coughing so hard it looked like he had swallowed another snitch. Noticing Hermione’s state, Harry coughed awkwardly. He straightened out his face, and turned to Luna.

“Luna, perhaps Hermione can help you with those batteries now rather than later.” He motioned to Hermione, trying to give her an out. “I put your things in the cupboard in the hallway, ‘Mione.” 

“Right! Luna, let’s go check my bag.”

Hermione pushed her chair back from the table and made to stand and drag her friend out of the room.

“Then maybe she can show us how it works!” Ginny cackled with glee.

Luna nodded thoughtfully. 

“I think it’s simple enough to understand, once you see it in action. I did actually bring it with me.”

Hermione eyes bulged, and she firmly planted herself back into the seat. Harry blanched.

“I’m not sure we need a demonstration, Luna.” He muttered weakly. 

“Speak for yourself!” George guffawed and elbowed his brother. “I’m finding this lesson on Muggle life to be much more enlightening than Dad’s lectures about fellytones. Sounds like a new product line at the shop.”

“Luna, don’t you dare!” Hermione shouted. 

Luna shrugged and stirred a giant dollop of honey into the licorice root tea she brought from home. 

Draco leaned over and whispered something in Harry’s ear that caused the man to turn red at the tips of his ears. 

“I’m not actually sure. I’ve never, um...well I think the basic principle is the same. Hermione would be able to explain it better.”

Draco turned a considering look at Hermione that caused even more blood to rush to her face. She shot her most affronted look at Harry, her former best friend. 

“What, exactly, would I explain better?” She snapped at the blond-haired man. He raised an eyebrow at the bite in her tone. Draco looked unsure for the briefest moment before his familiar, haughty mask fell into place. 

“I was just asking Potter how you get them in.”

“Get  _what_ in?” Hermione squawked. “I beg your pardon.”

“Batteries. How do you get them into the rabbits?”

The room fell silent as everyone swiveled to look at Malfoy.

“What?” Malfoy shot out defensively, looking for a moment like his younger self. “I do remember a bit from Muggle Studies. I am aware of what a battery is, of course.”

Then George let out a guffaw, and just like that, everyone, save for Draco and Hermione, dissolved into peals of gut-busting, eye-watering laughter. 

“Rabbits!” Ginny cried, wiping the tears pouring out of her eyes. 

“How do you get them in!” hollered George. 

“Hermione!”

Draco was looking around looking undecided as to whether he should feel confused or offended. Hermione was done with all of them and their ridiculous behavior.

“You are making fools of yourselves. Honestly, you should know better.” Hermione shot a disapproving look around the table and stood, only, to have to grab the back of her chair as the room seemed to tip.

The roars of laughter increased as she teetered towards the fireplace. 

“Hermione, you’re smashed!” 

“Luna go get us the Rabbit! I want to see where the batteries go!” hooted George.

“I don’t have to be here for this.” She hissed. “It is late. It’s a work day tomorrow, for Merlin’s sake! You are all  unbelievable.. .” 

“Tomorrow’s Saturday.” 

“... Still !” she tapered off stubbornly. 

Hermione Accioed her bag from the hall. Feeling her irritation flare, Hermione swung around unsteadily for a parting shot. “You should all be ashamed of yourselves, teasing poor Luna.”

Luna had looked completely unaffected by the conversation, but smiled faintly at Hermione’s words. 

“Bye, Hermione!” she waved cheerfully. 

“No, Hermione! Stay!” 

“Better take the Floo. If you Apparate, you’ll definitely splinch yourself!” Ron called.

“I was going to do that,  _Ronald_.”

She swung a bit to the right to grab a handful of powder, shouted “The Stacks” and walked right into the fire. 

Of all the. Honestly. Would they ever grow up?


End file.
